As a respectable member of the community with an impeccable reputation of good standing and moral fortitude, I would like to firmly address and fully refute the allegations that I was in any way involved in some kind of “bisexual orgy” involving dancing whores, leading ladies, and/or gentlemen, smoking, Jewish cats, the wholly un-Christian defacement of sacred objects, shenanigans, environmental damage, running on the beach, observing lesbianism, encouraging lesbianism, participating in lesbianism, dancing, kissing boys, or littering. In short, I was not there, that was not my erection, and I did not leave bite marks on anyone.
Any evidence to the contrary is clearly fabricated.